BMW ///M-Diesels: Frugal Mass For The Performance Poser

January 16, 2012

It was not too long ago that I lightly bemused with a BMW upper-management employee type at one of our city’s annual Auto Shows over how the used-to-be-motorsport-derived ///M Division had now been (seemingly) handed over to the brand’s Marketing Division, full-stop. He admittedly hinted that ///M has indeed ‘expanded’ its overall outlook and that, yes, the X6M and X5M were designed and marketed towards ‘a certain type of landscape navigator’. But when I (somewhat jokingly) asked how far this open throwing about of M-badges will go (seeing as how it was/has already damaged the ///M brand from a driver’s/petrolhead’s point of view) if the Marketing heads keep having their way with the family silver, it was at that exact moment when he freakishly morphed himself back into Company Robot Mode and started spouting off the familiar company-line commercial BS about ‘joy’ and ‘excitement’ and ‘no limits’ and other such robotic drivel…

After he was done, I half-laughingly said, “So, I suppose I shouldn’t be too surprised then to see M-Diesels on the roads one day… eh.. ? Hardy har har…? ?”, as I chuckled, smiled, shook his hand and walked away… He just shrugged his shoulders and smirked.

That shrug and smirk made me feel uneasy back then for a reason… It’s official now folks: BMW ///M is now doing tri-turbo Diesels. Granted, this Diesel nonsense has been widely known/threatened for a few months now, what with ominous paper printouts and ‘mysterious’ BMW ads with chunky X6’s being hauled around in a ‘sportingly economical’ way, whatever that is…

...Because all X6 SUV owners readily pound the racetrack... mm, hmm.

The entire Diesel project has been unimaginitively dubbed ‘BMW Performance Automobiles’ (seriously) and will make its grand unveiling at the Geneva Show in March of this year. On tap to roll out will be the 5-series derived M550d xDrive followed by the much-maligned X6 M50d SUV of which both will feature 4-wheel drive and BMWs new 381hp, 546lb ft tri-turbo diesel engine. Combined fuel consumption for the 5-series variant is a quoted 44.8 mpg, but as we all know, those figures are never real-world figures.

The X6M - the answer to a question that no one asked.

Seeing as how these two new ‘Performance Automobile’ leviathans will weigh in excess of 2000 kg, it simply baffles the brain as to who, exactly, these cars are aimed at… Obviously, the none-too-bright and (as BMWs Marketing Division is well aware of) those that fit nicely within the ‘There’s one born every minute’ frame… and die-hard one-arm-stretched-out-over-the-wheel posers… of which there are many of in this confusing world.

The man helping to put the ///M into Marketing

Or, as M Division boss Dr. Friedrich Nitschke plummets – “We are targeting our efforts at customers looking for more emotionality and more performance, but who don’t want to forgo the everyday usability of their cars.” Riiiiiight…. thanks robot.

Well done BMW ///M – cha-ching..!

-Blake J.

BMW ///M – Now What Have You Gone and Done…?!

December 5, 2011

My brow is furrowed – it has been for the last 20 minutes. I’ve hurled myself into the day by watching a video and reading a report that highly alludes to the very-possible creation of a vehicle within the (once coveted) BMW *ahem*… ‘Motorsport’ M-Division that is swiftly morphing said furrowed-brow towards the realm of a small headache – The pig-ugly, unnecessarily massive and ridiculously unpractical X6M will soon be launched as an M-tweaked Diesel.

Nice try, Marketing guys...

Deary me. It was bad enough having to stomach the constant rumblings of a forthcoming M-badged 5-series Deisel (in the form of an ‘M550D’) but this news (and blured video – nice try BMW) just further tears away at the core of what the M-Division… er, used-to stand for.

Heck, let”s be honest – the downhill run for ///M began years ago…

They just don’t seem to understand that freely handing-out the M-badge amongst the eco Marketing hacks to stick onto the back of whatever bloated, jacked-up leviathan they deem worthy within the fleet line-up is ultimately damaging in the long run not only to (once coveted) ///M-ness, but the BMW brand itself. M is the beating heart of agile and precisional performance for BMW, not the Marketing Department’s plaything to assist in shifting units…

When the M-Division 'gets it' right - the outstanding 1M

In recent times they’ve been brilliant (BMW 1M) and they’ve also proven to be a bit silly (fake/synthesized engine sounds coming through the Hi-fi in the new bombastic M5) but lately they’ve been a bit pointlessly annoying (X5M and X6M) and now they’ve just become downright ridiculous…

I don’t give a rat’s b-hind how much inflated power and torque this new tri-turbo Diesel X6M unit will chuck out to assist in hurling this 2-tonne-plus mistake down the road… This is a vehicle aimed at ex-Club guy tossers, beauty-queen wives and the utterly confused. Point blank.

"An X6M tri-turbo Diesel... ?! Yeah baby, we're down wit dat..."

And you can’t swoon me with your new M3-based DTM racer either, BMW M – you have definitely lost your way… and ultimately, a life-long fan. Tsk tsk…

-Blake J.

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